Train Wanker #3 Are You My Daddy?

This wild tale I'm about to share with you actually happened at the beginning of January, but it's important to document the crazy stories of my train journeys so that future generations can learn from them, you can all be aware on public transport and sympathise with me, because I actually attract strange situations. Is it my face? Here we go...

Once upon a time, I boarded the train to Plymouth to visit my girl Leona, treating myself to a Saturday morning hot chocolate, I'd forgotten my book and was occupying myself with various WhatsApp chats, planning my move to Australia with Sunae probably. Minding my own business as always, I wasn't prepared for the small child that appeared next to me...

Child: (I wasn't sure if the miniature person was a girl or boy at first...) Hello, are you my daddy?

Me: Sorry? (Mildly offended and confused at this stage.)

Child: *Takes cue to sit down and proceed to fumble with my bag*

Me: *Is this a modern day Oliver Twist? Am I about to be robbed by a small child?* Err, I'm sure your daddy is somewhere on the train, why don't you go back to him, I'm sure he'll be worried?

Child: I don't know where he is...*proceeds to take my bag and stand up* (Can you wrestle your belongings from children?) You'll have to help me...

*We wander down the first carriage, I'm looking helplessly to other passengers, praying that someone will claim this child...*

Me: He's definitely on the train yes?

Child: I'm not sure...

Me: *Oh god, what do I do with a lost child on a train? How do you leave your child behind on a train? It's been about 10 minutes now? Where is the owner of this small being?!*

*We wander down the second carriage...and the third...*

Child: Here he is!

Me: *Oh great, she got me confused with a 15 stone bald man...I need to work on my image..* Oh great, excuse me, your child found me and said she was lost...

The Actual Daddy: Oh, she told me she was going to the toilet...Have you been?

Child: No...This lady will take me *points at me!*

Me: Oh, well, ummm, you could take her?

The Actual Daddy: No it's fine, it's on your way back...

*I proceeded to walk away whilst she was looking the other way...She chased me down the carriage*

Child: Here's the toilet, can you open the door?

Me: Oh ok...

Child: *Stands in toilet and pulls bottoms down* You have to come in with me!!

Me: That's ok, I'm just going to close the door now and leave you to it *closes door before this can go any further.* I'll stand guard.

*A few minutes pass*

Child: I'm done, you can open the door now.

Me: You know, you should probably pull your trousers up before you come out again?....Ok great job, nice to meet you, I'm off now. 

*Runs as far down the train as I can get.*

I took the sneaky photo above of The Actual Daddy when we got off the train at Plymouth. The resemblance is uncanny...

Over & Out

Sophie

Train Wanker #2 Things My Train Smells Like.

This week took a turn for the cold. Like dammmmn fricking cold. Like the brave woman I am, I faced the trains. It's also posted a little late as the cold has broken my internet so much that Harps forced me to watch that film with 50 Cent that I'd put off for the last ten years. Time I'm just not going to claw back.


Monday: This was the worst way to start Monday. You may remember it was the night where the weather was having a fucking party all night. Just as I had to get up it'd been calmer and I wasn't as fearful as I should have been when I left home. As soon as I stepped outside I'm almost certain frost started forming on my nose. I can confirm that winter has arrived folks- I've felt it in my bones. I'm on the night train on Mondays which makes it even more insulting (it feels like nighttime dammit!) The only part of my body uncovered is my eyes....Even they're closed.





Tuesday: "Why does it smell like carbonara on this train? Who's having meaty, cheesy pasta this morning for their breakfast? "

Wednesday: Took a pretty great photo of the sun rising over Truro cathedral on the way to work. On the way home I was graced with the intelligence of two girls talking about how to get their boyfriends to stop cheating on them. I regretted not charging my phone enough to listen to a podcast.

Thursday: Day off, huzzah! No trains for Sophie today!

Friday: The weather was back to taunt me on Friday. My train smelled like soup in the morning and it was all a bit much. The photo above is my attempt at getting home that evening! 

Saturday: I was excited on my walk Saturday morning. Though cold, the weather wasn't as gloomy and I even managed to take a snazzy photo. I also knew it was my last day of trains for a few days (I'm on a mini holiday this week until Thursday!). As i arrived at the station, a suspicious feeling crept over me as I saw more people standing around than usual. Train delays. And though this 10 minute delay may not seem like much to you, when you need to get a connecting train that leaves a seven minute gap for delays and doesn't wait if it's any later...It's bullshit. So giving in that I'd be running to work from the train, I  treated myself to a hot chocolate only to discover that not only did they not heat the milk before adding it to the powder, but I didn't have enough time to go and change it and was left cursing GWR yet again for ruining my morning. 



My train smelt of sadness.







As I say, I'm off for most of this week so we'll pick it back up again at the end of next. I'm getting closer to the colder weather and more and more uncertain of when I'll get to work or back home again!

Do you commute to work? I'd love to hear some examples go strife in your travels...It makes me feel better.

Love Sophie Xx

The Train Wanker #1. Until Now...

This is a face of genuine sadness, one evening trying to get home still at 8pm. (I leave work at 4.30pm!)

If we're friends on Facebook (or maybe even in tweet-land!) You may have realised that I, over the last seven months, have started commuting like a real life adult. My commute is pretty hardcore- three hours in total a day and I've been adjusting to train life (totally the same thing as thug life incase you wondered). My daily trips slowly take over my entire social media as I hunt for sympathy on a regular basis and I thought 'Hey why not extend that to my blog and get even more sympathy!" Oh and by the way 'Great Western Railway' if you're reading, I feel that by using the word 'Great' in your name kicks me in the proverbial balls every day. 

So here's the start of my new series, the diary of being a train wanker if you like and I thought I'd do a little catch up to now with a few of my favourites of the magical photos I've taken over the last few months, as well as some desperate posts to the world. 

Top to Bottom: 

• Spending most mornings fashioning my scarf into a pillow for the train. Tip number one GWR, get complimentary pillows for those having to spend a small fortune on your season passes.
• That time I took a free coat rack on the train and almost gave up and left it there.
• Tip number two GWR, (and this is a biggy) I know we live in Cornwall-land and should be happy to even have trains in the first place, but two fucking carriages on the commuters train home from the only city in the bleedy county is actually insane. I spend far too much time standing far too close to strangers.
• Another sad face for lingering sympathy after a morning train being cancelled and getting anxious about how late I'll be for work.

And lets start with the most recent. Just yesterday I was in a faff first thing...

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell

Yesterday at 07:08 · 

There's nothing like trees on the tracks, your connection train cancelled all day and some hail to the face to make you feel alive on a Saturday morning 😡‪#‎trainwanker‬

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell

5 November at 17:25 · 

This train smells meaty 😕😒😞🐮🐏🍗🍖

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell

1 October · 

Do you know what I think to myself every morning when I pry myself from bed? 'I really hope the trains are fuckbadgers today and I don't get home until after 8. ..' Must be my lucky day 😬

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell

23 September · 

Train rage.

And this was one particularly bad morning that had a lovely little result of being more than three hours delayed and getting in a whole lot of trouble. Cheers GWR.

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell Eugh got to the station at 7 and the night riviera was at the platform...turns out the brakes have seized to the track and I've been sitting here for over an hour now! They're just about to test it or start ordering coaches 😑

Like · Reply · 23 September at 08:18

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell I've just seen the man who's fixing the train walk past. I have less faith....He looks like an extra large elvis 😕

Like · Reply · 1 · 23 September at 08:25

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell ELVIS HAS FIXED THE TRAIN! (I really hope anyway. Remember my description if my train crashes from lack of brakes!) X

Like · Reply · 1 · 23 September at 08:28

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell ...got on the Falmouth train and that train got cancelled whilst I was sitting on it because the train driver had to leave to help with the other trains 😐😐😧

Like · Reply · 23 September at 09:13

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell I am now on a train to Falmouth where some fucking idiot woman is singing loudly to Mariah Carey and gyrating against the trains fire extinguisher. It's all got too much to be honest.....😦

Like · Reply · 2 · 23 September at 10:09

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell

15 July · 

Nothing like getting home from work just before 10pm....

Sophie Louise-Anne Russell feeling distressed.

19 May · 

So all trains are cancelled from Falmouth. I'm handing out mini cakes to my fellow stranded friends and we're starting a new community at the train station.

And if this all wasn't enough to excite you for my upcoming weekly documentation of just how much Cornwall's railway system is buggered, there is my favourite photo below of a man who simply gave up on life, This is the Monday morning sleeper train where he took the idea of 'sleeper' to the max. Yes that's him on the floor with his ticket by his head. (Told you the pillows would be a good idea!)

Love Sophie Xx