Sunday 26 April 2015

Dealing With Depression// A Personal Story.




You may or may not be aware that this is the final day of mental health awareness week. Honestly, in my opinion, dedicating a week to awareness probably does more to highlight the stigma rather than actually raise awareness and support but hey, if by talking about it we can all be more open, upfront and understanding then it's all worth it surely? So get a cup of tea and maybe a small/large cake and let's get honest.

I've briefly spoken here before about my mental health; I've actually thought about writing this for a while and what's stopped me? Fear maybe? Lack of confidence? Stigma? Or maybe it's just that nagging worrying voice that's plagued me for years telling me "people will think differently of you."
I wanted to hopefully share with you all some tips I've picked up over the years, some experiences or some knowledge and maybe if helping at least one person can get passed down the line it's worth it? 

*Read the self doubt all over this post already- I actually started this on Tuesday.*

Depression and anxiety are like my lurking friends. I've been in control of my depression (give or take) for about two years now. Getting engaged was a big boost for me, not only from a romantic perspective but for me it stemmed something much more. Security. The reassurance that somebody understands and even more so accepts how I am, my past and my struggles. Knowledge. That someone would be there in the darkest hours (and truth be told there have been a few in the last 6 years we've been together.) It was, for me, a little glimmer of self acceptance and assurance that I am actually a pretty great person!

My story with actually starts about eleven years ago (diagnosis date) when I was about 11 or 12 years old. Diagnosed with anxiety I was offered support though therapy. At the time, my situation was a little different. At 12 I wrote a letter to my birth father cutting off contact with him until he dealt with his alcohol addiction- 11 years later and still no contact, I've learned through dealing with my own problems quite a lot about that too (but that's another post for another day.) I was recommended by both my GP and my school to start seeing someone. Over the years I've seen so many therapists that they all sort of merge into one (but then therapists have that about them anyway.) Many times they've helped, though rarely at the time I needed it. Sometimes hindsight is the biggest insight out there. That's probably my first real piece of advice. It can be hard opening up to a stranger, their questions can seem intrusive and obvious and a whole running of 'if I knew that answer I wouldn't be here' may go through your head. Even if you don't say as much as maybe you could, do try and listen. One day you might just look back and recognise the help you were given.

Years ticked on, therapists came and went and still there was a constant cloud. Over the last few years there has been a bit of a bandwagon with the term 'depression'. I find this hard to comment on because depression is the bottom of the hole. There have been weeks, months even, where paranoia and self doubt have plagued me so much that I haven't left the house. There have been times where I've wanted to push the people I love as far away as possible, to be left to self destruct. There have been days that have passed where I've planned to the detail how I'll leave this world and be better for it, only to be riddled by guilt that I'm not only mostly too cowardly to actually do it but also at the mess I'd leave behind. There have been hours where I've stared at walls and tried to measure the feeling of loss and the blank space in my head.

Eventually my diagnosis developed to depression and medication was the next step. Trying to balance life and the beginnings of medication is probably the toughest of all. I suffered pretty badly from side effects- a sponge like mouth and constant drowsiness. It's important to have a GP you can trust and I have had to see various GP's before I found one that understood well enough and guided me through the right course, dosage and support during my time on medication. Remember that you have a right to request to see another doctor, you are entitled to find the right person to help you in the way you need them to. 

Most depression medications are made to neutralise the chemicals in your brain and relieve the symptoms of depression. It's recommended that during this time you also find somebody that you trust to talk through how you feel. Whether it be a professional, friend or family member- somebody that you know has your best interests at heart. 

Time passed and I've built on my own experiences and the knowledge I've obtained can be applied much more easily than before. As I said earlier, I came off my medication about two years ago now. From personal experience I very much *read in stern Sophie voice* urge you not to just stop taking your tablets. There were a good few times where I felt better, stopped and immediately the 'come-down' was hard, heavy and the cycle began almost all over again. Coming off your medication is something that should be discussed with your doctor and followed properly.

Most recently I discovered 'mindfulness'. This is a practice of recognising your thoughts logically and  has had quite the press coverage recently with many comparing it as better than medication for tackling depression. It's something that I'm taking time to practice and for about a year now it's helped me understand myself better than I ever have before. I can recognise the doubt, self consciousness and fear. I accept myself on the less great days and instead of beating myself up about the little things, I'm admiring the bigger picture. In my opinion (and of course this whole post really is just my experiences and opinions) my depression isn't something I've been cured of of has ever fully left me, but that's actually really ok with me. It reminds me that for me, I have to take the time to find those things that I love,  it inspires me to treat myself better and that working on yourself is the best job you can do because anything to stay out of the bottom of that hole again is worth it.

Like I said at the beginning, if this were to help just one person keep going, keep listening to that little fighting voice that tells you to keep trying, then it'll be totally worth it. If anyone wants to chat about anything you've read do drop me a message on any social networking thingy or email me at sophielovesbatman@gmail.com. (That's my subscriptions/blogging email by the way, I do have an actual adult email address too!)

Love Sophie Xx


24 comments:

  1. You are one tough cookie Sharkbait. You have been through so much in your life and I am honestly so proud that you have stuck your middle finger up to it all and fought back to be the amazing, strong, unbelievably kind and thoughtful friend that you are today. Never ever be ashamed of your feelings, you are you and I never ever want that to change.

    I am, and will always be here for you. I'm so glad that you met Balsam because he's helped you and loved you but also because that means you met ME!! Huzzah!!

    I can't wait to walk down the aisle with you, cry at your beauty and smile at how happy you both are on your wedding day.

    Love you Sharkbait-hoo-ha-ha. Xx

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    1. I am like peanut brittle I'm so tough! I am proud of me too, and thankful to you. Like SO thankful to you for being a part of my little crazy life and helping through so very many dark days. You're one of the only ones I can just say "I feel sad today and I need you" and don't feel bad or crazy! You are like a glorious little ray of sunshine.

      Basically stayed with Balsam for you let's be honest ;-)

      We will look amazing on our fancy days and then for years to come we can talk about how perfect and amazing the days were!

      Love You Liona Xx

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  2. This is such an important post to share, Sophie, thank you for this. I struggled with depression during college when I was around 18 and had to drop out twice before finally finishing my A-levels and heading to university. It wasn't a big thing but it boosted my confidence and helped me over that hump in my life, so this message to stay strong and keep fighting is an important one and I really hope you are feeling much more in control of your life now, I know how hard it can be, especially when it can become so easy for those feelings to re-surface again. Thank you for sharing your experience with this and inspiring me to keep going and fighting! - Tasha

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    1. This is one of the nicest things ever Tasha! High five to you for combatting your troubles! I certainly hope that every day is a sun shining one for you and if this post has helped remind you to keep on strong then it has more than accomplished it's goal. Thank you so much for the kind words xx

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  3. A very brave and stimulating read

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  4. Lovely post! This is my first time reading your blog and it's a definite follow :) You have a lovely way of writing that's very personal and I respect that a lot. It's really difficult to open up about your personal life like that and I admire you so much for it! It has sparked a little flame inside me to write about my experiences with depression again. Back in the days of Bebo, I wrote about it and so many people gave me a bucket of hate which obviously made me worse but now I can say I'm in a much better place after years of trying different methods to cope. I found mindfulness to be such a great help, even today! I practice mindfulness everyday and have adopted new habits to my daily schedule to spend time with myself which makes a huge difference. I'm glad you were able to share your story with us today! Thank you so much and keep up the fab posts Sophie :) ~ Becky :) xo

    pocahontasjane.wordpress.com

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    1. Well what a first post to read! Nothing like jumping on into the deep end! Haha! Thanks so very much for the compliments, it certainly helps after posting something so personal! If you find the strength to write a similar post please do let me know, it'd be an honour to read somebody else's experiences! Xx

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  5. This was a really interesting post. You're really brave for posting this (I'm not sure if saying that creates more of a stigma, I'm truly sorry if it does) and it's helped me learn more, thank you for posting this <3

    Carolyn x
    Carolyn’s Simple Life

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    1. That's exactly what it's for Carolyn! Hopefully you might be a little more equipped should mental illness effect you or someone close to you! Lots of love to you lovely lady xx

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  6. Thank you so much for being brave enough to open up about such a personal topic. I am always very interested to read how other people deal with their mental health issues. Treating yourself as good as you can is probably the most important thing to do/ remember. So often I catch myself not being nice to myelf and have to remind myself that I am worth the efford.
    It's incredibly nice of you to offer support and I am here to offer it back. If you ever feel like you need to talk to someone, just shot me a message ♥

    Hugs, Coba ♥♥♥

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    1. Ah Coba, this is so lovely of you! Thank you very much for the offer and for your kind words! I think having an insight into someone else's struggles can be reassuring that you're not alone and different ways of coping should always be shared if there's a chance it can help! You are most certainly worth the effort so keep on looking after number one! XX

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  7. Honestly, this is such a great post! Some days can be so hard but reading this and seeing that things do get better and there are ways that you can help yourself! I'm so interested in mindfulness any books or site you ca recommend would be great! I have struggled to find help, answers etc so reading someone personal experience is more than helpful, it's like a little light! Congrats on your engagement, just think you have so many happy married years ahead! Xxxxx

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    1. A lot of hard days can't truly be understood until you've been through them yourself and i certainly hope that you can find a way that works for you in coping with your own thoughts. I've put a little post together for Tuesday with some links to books I've really benefitted from but if you'd like to talk a little more in depth, send me an email at sophielovesbatman@gmail.com xx

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  8. Hi Sophie, I just read this post and I wanted to say thank you for being so open and honest. This can't have been an easy post to write, but you've done it so well. It might be a bit odd to hear this from a stranger, but it really helped me - it's always good to know you're not alone. I hope one day I can have the same courage you do and post on my blog about my struggles, because like you said, even if it helps just one person it will be worth it, and I'm sure this post has helped more than just me :) Oh, and your rabbit is adorable!!! xxx

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    1. It IS good to know you're not alone. I found that a big part of my troubles is the loneliness you can feel and i think that by knowing how others are coping or learning from others' experiences we can all help each other. To say it has helped you means more to me than you could possibly imagine (or maybe you can as someone who's like minded?!) Should you find the freedom to write your own posts, it would be an honour to read. Make sure you let me know if you do! Batman is a fabulous little creature xxx

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  9. I think it's so incredible that you were brave enough to share this. There have been many times on my blog when I hold back just because of fear of what people might think. There are certain things in my past that I consider 'ghosts' and it's scary to bring them up and put them out in the open. You are such an amazing gal and I'm so glad to be friends with you - I'm so proud of you for opening up about this!
    ~ Samantha

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    1. That's exactly why it sat unwritten for so long! I've made a conscious decision that we live in countries that aren't bound by social restrictions and our voices can be heard and as we said, if it helps someone then it's totally worth it! I hope you'll see a much more open and honest and maybe slightly taboo Sophie come out in the future, we'll see. I'm glad to be friends with you super lady, though I hope you're busy doing work and don't see this until you're done *stern Sophie face*
      lots of love xx

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  10. Thanks for writing this post, Sophie. It's really important for us all to talk about our own mental health gremlins, in order to dispel the stigma. -x-

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    1. You're right, it really is! I keep saying to people that if it was a physical illness nobody would think twice about writing about it or talking about it. We've got to change the stigma for our own sakes as well as anyone else's! xx

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  11. You are an amazing person, I loved the honesty in this post. Mental health is hard to talk about, I struggle being honest about my problems even after years. I struggle with depression too, but you inspired me to give mindfulness a shot.

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    1. Thank you for such kind and inspiring words Katie, I hope that your depression is at a low and not a high currently and if you'd ever like a chat you can find me wandering the web somewhere! I'll be posting a few of the books that have helped me on Tuesday so you might find something to suit! lots of love xx

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  12. This is the most honest and relateable post I've read about mental health in a long time and what I love the most is that it's also really hopeful.
    You are gert lush and I hope you carry on getting more control over those pesky thoughts/chemicals/everythings.
    Sending you much love and sharing this far and wide because I suspect your awesomeness will help more than just one person.
    M x

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    1. Why thanks treasure, you've summed up exactly what I hoped to achieve through writing it (you say all the right things) *totally flirting with you there*.
      Every day is a new one and I keep bumbling and learning and helping myself. It's been good to talk about it despite massive fears for the first couple of days, even with the nice comments rolling in!
      Mucho love to you and those hounds of Torbaydos XXx

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