Tuesday, 8 March 2016

Train Wanker #3 Are You My Daddy?

This wild tale I'm about to share with you actually happened at the beginning of January, but it's important to document the crazy stories of my train journeys so that future generations can learn from them, you can all be aware on public transport and sympathise with me, because I actually attract strange situations. Is it my face? Here we go...

Once upon a time, I boarded the train to Plymouth to visit my girl Leona, treating myself to a Saturday morning hot chocolate, I'd forgotten my book and was occupying myself with various WhatsApp chats, planning my move to Australia with Sunae probably. Minding my own business as always, I wasn't prepared for the small child that appeared next to me...

Child: (I wasn't sure if the miniature person was a girl or boy at first...) Hello, are you my daddy?
Me: Sorry? (Mildly offended and confused at this stage.)
Child: *Takes cue to sit down and proceed to fumble with my bag*
Me: *Is this a modern day Oliver Twist? Am I about to be robbed by a small child?* Err, I'm sure your daddy is somewhere on the train, why don't you go back to him, I'm sure he'll be worried?
Child: I don't know where he is...*proceeds to take my bag and stand up* (Can you wrestle your belongings from children?) You'll have to help me...

*We wander down the first carriage, I'm looking helplessly to other passengers, praying that someone will claim this child...*

Me: He's definitely on the train yes?
Child: I'm not sure...
Me: *Oh god, what do I do with a lost child on a train? How do you leave your child behind on a train? It's been about 10 minutes now? Where is the owner of this small being?!*

*We wander down the second carriage...and the third...*

Child: Here he is!
Me: *Oh great, she got me confused with a 15 stone bald man...I need to work on my image..* Oh great, excuse me, your child found me and said she was lost...
The Actual Daddy: Oh, she told me she was going to the toilet...Have you been?
Child: No...This lady will take me *points at me!*
Me: Oh, well, ummm, you could take her?
The Actual Daddy: No it's fine, it's on your way back...

*I proceeded to walk away whilst she was looking the other way...She chased me down the carriage*

Child: Here's the toilet, can you open the door?
Me: Oh ok...
Child: *Stands in toilet and pulls bottoms down* You have to come in with me!!
Me: That's ok, I'm just going to close the door now and leave you to it *closes door before this can go any further.* I'll stand guard.

*A few minutes pass*

Child: I'm done, you can open the door now.
Me: You know, you should probably pull your trousers up before you come out again?....Ok great job, nice to meet you, I'm off now. 

*Runs as far down the train as I can get.*

I took the sneaky photo above of The Actual Daddy when we got off the train at Plymouth. The resemblance is uncanny...

Over & Out