Thankful Thursday // All The Things.

It's been a while. Too long really. *Waves at screen!* I've had many a draft sitting there since I disappeared at the end of January; too tired to switch on and write, too tired to feel guilty for doing so. To be honest, the start of this year has been quite testing, I've lost myself a little and it's only really now I'm coming together again. I wanted to take some time to come back, read some books (so many books!) Watch some Netflix and spend some time resting. The cold evenings and even colder mornings have driven me to the comforts of hot baths, snuggles under blankets and pyjama attire whenever I'm not outside. A couple of days have been spent hands in the earth, making sense of the overgrown mess that my garden has become over the winter months. It's been good for me. Thinking about what the future holds for the rest of the year and with a little perspective under my belt, here's some things about myself that I'm thankful for...and totally unapologetic for being so...

• Being Strong: When shit gets tough, I'm like a rock. Yes I may cry whilst watching an episode of DIY SOS but when the proper grown up, horrible shit happens, I seem to grow 10ft tall. I'm proud of myself for that.
• Being Sensitive: In the totally opposite way, I'm starting to realise to stop apologising for being sensitive about the 'small things'. It's something I've been judged for before and I think we as women, feel we have to apologise for that sometimes? Well fuck that from now on, I'm sensitive because I care, I've got a great big heart and I hug like a unicorn, so there's that settled.
• Curiosity: If I could learn something about everything then I'd be happy. My Netflix binge has been a mis-match of documentaries, from art fraud, bees (obviously), to cane toads and space. It's been amazing.
• My Ass for Looking Amazing in my Wedding Dress: Because I'm not the greatest fan of my body but it looks pretty. fucking. great.
• Wisdom: Someone recently said to me that wisdom is something that only comes with age. I've thought about this a lot and I agree... to an extent. I know plenty of people older than me that are quite simply naive and I personally think wisdom is something that comes from life experience, how long you've been alive doesn't make you wise.

That's about enough self gratification for today I think. I've missed you all. How is everyone? I currently have over 650 missed posts to catch up on reading so expect a little comment spam! In the mean time, please go ahead and pop recent posts in the comments and I'll get to nattering with you even sooner!

Over & Out

Sophie

P.s. I don't actually steal forks, but Curb Your Enthusiasm is one of the best programmes ever made. WATCH IT!

People Are Not Poetry.

{People are not poetry by Erin Hanson- See more work here}

I've always found writing cathartic. What sometimes comes out, however, can often be more of a ramble. This may be one of those times. Bare with me.

I'm a people pleaser, always putting another ahead of myself. It's been that way for as long as I remember; maybe through life experience more than a conscious choice. Until now, I've mentally struggled with doing so, not so much physically. Almost two weeks ago now, after a day that it's not too appropriate to go into detail about now. My body caught up. An ambulance was sent by order of a late night doctor (or maybe I should mention, the last of the nine doctors I ended up speaking with that evening) and it's put a lot into perspective.

If you follow me on Instagram, you may have seen over the festive season, I shared the poem above. It resonated with me at the time as someone who always tries to fit into every box: loving fiancee, great daughter, a young professional and even a caring friend. It wasn't until over the last week, when I've sat under a blanket thinking a lot about who I am, what I want and how to make it happen, that this poem filled my mind time and time again.

People are not poetry. We don't always fit perfectly into every box, shape, expectation that is wanted from us and from others. For the first time, I feel like that's ok. When I was signed off work, the word 'failure' stuck to me like the glue of my own mind and I've struggled to get it un-stuck. I probably judge myself harsher than I should, but I'm trying to learn that my expectations aren't realistic or even healthy. I'm an awkward person, my hair might not always (read ever) sit neatly, I cancel plans that I want to keep because my health, physical or mental, can stand in my way. Instead of berating myself over it quite so much, I'm trying to treat myself with a little more respect and compassion than I have in the past.

I have so much to look forward to this year and it's about time I dedicated some time and more importantly, love to myself.

As always, would love to hear back from anyone who's similarly a busy-body, a worrier, awkward or judgemental of themselves.

Over & Out,

Sophie.

On The Up From The Bottom: Some Reads That Helped.

Last week I took a big ol step into the unknown when I shared with you all about my struggles with my own mental health. If you missed it, it was a little attempt at de-stigmatising conversation around depression and anxiety in the hope that it'd help a few others out there. Can I just take a second to thank all of you for your kind words, support and cheers at the idea. Yes, it was VERY hard for me to post, YES it has helped a few others and YES I am doing ok, but thanks for asking! 

It certainly wasn't posted from sitting down one morning and sharing some of the deepest parts of me, for months, maybe even closer to a year there had been that one untitled post sitting in my drafts, every now and then being restarted and scrapped. Feeling like you've revealed too little that others will think 'she's just depressed because she has daddy issues' was one of my biggest fears. There is much more 'meat on the bone' if you like but it was always a concern as to how my post would effect those still actively very much in my life. Which led me to my next concern 'revealing too much' and the repercussions that could have followed sharing the reasons behind my later years illness. Maybe it's something that will come with time, maybe the worry of how others will feel will keep deeper thoughts at bay. 

One of the strongest responses came from those that my post helped, sparked some light of interest into the ways I'd helped learn to cope and to manage. A few of you asked what books I'd found worked well for me, many of you asked me a little more about mindfulness. The ever quest for the anxious and depressed is to find a way to manage your thoughts that it shouldn't have surprised me really. All of the below listed books I've read at some stage during my illness; some haven't helped alone but with the knowledge of other reads have guided me to a stronger path. Please feel more than free to ask more about any of them, a couple I still use on a daily basis.

1) Mindfulness: Be mindful. Live in the moment- This book was the start of my self-awareness journey. Packed with practical and thought provoking advice, it taught me to start managing my thoughts, recognising patterns and influencing my own mind.

2) The Creative Colouring Book For Grown-ups - These books have become quite popular in recent months and I had this one a couple of years back for those calming moments. It's important to recognise when you need a little time to sit and not think- distracting the mind can sometimes be the hardest part of being human let alone depressed! 

3) Sane New World: Taming The Mind- This is written by Ruby Wax and it was actually my mum that gave it to me. Though I still think it's maybe a little too middle aged for me, combining this read with the ones I'd read before and those since has helped me laugh a little more, I find myself thinking of Ruby's quick witted quips and reflecting back on it, this book helped in it's own little way.

4) The Art of Thinking Clearly: Better Thinking. Better Decisions.- I came across this book almost eighteen months ago, in fact I think I shared it with you all when I did. You probably see it pop up in the odd blog post photo, forever by my side. Though my copy has now been half gnawed by Batman, I re-read the chapters from this book almost every day. Sitting on the train, I start my day with at least one (the excerpts are quite short making it perfect for refreshing!) little read to help balance my mind for the day. Filled with easy-read examples of practicing mindfulness, self-awareness and decision making help, this book continues to be one that I hold close to my heart.

5) Mindfulness Plain & Simple- Is definitely the most user friendly book I've found. To be honest, if you're not much of a reader it's probably the most concise and short term effective guide to practicing mindfulness. I read this after I'd read all of the above though and though found it helpful, it was maybe a little too simple when you're hunting for an explanation for your thoughts? If that makes any sense at all?

Mindfulness and self support is probably for me been much harder than therapy or medication because it's certainly not a short term fix, it's something that takes continuing patience and practice; two things that can be pretty hard to gain when fighting with yourself. For me, I needed something to focus on, a logical way of processing why I wasn't feeling 'like me' or how to stop what I know can be a spiralling mess of thoughts clouding you. If anyone would recommend any other reads please do let me know! 

Love Sophie Xx

Dealing With Depression// A Personal Story.

You may or may not be aware that this is the final day of mental health awareness week. Honestly, in my opinion, dedicating a week to awareness probably does more to highlight the stigma rather than actually raise awareness and support but hey, if by talking about it we can all be more open, upfront and understanding then it's all worth it surely? So get a cup of tea and maybe a small/large cake and let's get honest.

I've briefly spoken here before about my mental health; I've actually thought about writing this for a while and what's stopped me? Fear maybe? Lack of confidence? Stigma? Or maybe it's just that nagging worrying voice that's plagued me for years telling me "people will think differently of you."

I wanted to hopefully share with you all some tips I've picked up over the years, some experiences or some knowledge and maybe if helping at least one person can get passed down the line it's worth it? 

*Read the self doubt all over this post already- I actually started this on Tuesday.*

Depression and anxiety are like my lurking friends. I've been in control of my depression (give or take) for about two years now. Getting engaged was a big boost for me, not only from a romantic perspective but for me it stemmed something much more. Security. The reassurance that somebody understands and even more so accepts how I am, my past and my struggles. Knowledge. That someone would be there in the darkest hours (and truth be told there have been a few in the last 6 years we've been together.) It was, for me, a little glimmer of self acceptance and assurance that I am actually a pretty great person!

My story with actually starts about eleven years ago (diagnosis date) when I was about 11 or 12 years old. Diagnosed with anxiety I was offered support though therapy. At the time, my situation was a little different. At 12 I wrote a letter to my birth father cutting off contact with him until he dealt with his alcohol addiction- 11 years later and still no contact, I've learned through dealing with my own problems quite a lot about that too (but that's another post for another day.) I was recommended by both my GP and my school to start seeing someone. Over the years I've seen so many therapists that they all sort of merge into one (but then therapists have that about them anyway.) Many times they've helped, though rarely at the time I needed it. Sometimes hindsight is the biggest insight out there. That's probably my first real piece of advice. It can be hard opening up to a stranger, their questions can seem intrusive and obvious and a whole running of 'if I knew that answer I wouldn't be here' may go through your head. Even if you don't say as much as maybe you could, do try and listen. One day you might just look back and recognise the help you were given.

Years ticked on, therapists came and went and still there was a constant cloud. Over the last few years there has been a bit of a bandwagon with the term 'depression'. I find this hard to comment on because depression is the bottom of the hole. There have been weeks, months even, where paranoia and self doubt have plagued me so much that I haven't left the house. There have been times where I've wanted to push the people I love as far away as possible, to be left to self destruct. There have been days that have passed where I've planned to the detail how I'll leave this world and be better for it, only to be riddled by guilt that I'm not only mostly too cowardly to actually do it but also at the mess I'd leave behind. There have been hours where I've stared at walls and tried to measure the feeling of loss and the blank space in my head.

Eventually my diagnosis developed to depression and medication was the next step. Trying to balance life and the beginnings of medication is probably the toughest of all. I suffered pretty badly from side effects- a sponge like mouth and constant drowsiness. It's important to have a GP you can trust and I have had to see various GP's before I found one that understood well enough and guided me through the right course, dosage and support during my time on medication. Remember that you have a right to request to see another doctor, you are entitled to find the right person to help you in the way you need them to. 

Most depression medications are made to neutralise the chemicals in your brain and relieve the symptoms of depression. It's recommended that during this time you also find somebody that you trust to talk through how you feel. Whether it be a professional, friend or family member- somebody that you know has your best interests at heart. 

Time passed and I've built on my own experiences and the knowledge I've obtained can be applied much more easily than before. As I said earlier, I came off my medication about two years ago now. From personal experience I very much *read in stern Sophie voice* urge you not to just stop taking your tablets. There were a good few times where I felt better, stopped and immediately the 'come-down' was hard, heavy and the cycle began almost all over again. Coming off your medication is something that should be discussed with your doctor and followed properly.

Most recently I discovered 'mindfulness'. This is a practice of recognising your thoughts logically and  has had quite the press coverage recently with many comparing it as better than medication for tackling depression. It's something that I'm taking time to practice and for about a year now it's helped me understand myself better than I ever have before. I can recognise the doubt, self consciousness and fear. I accept myself on the less great days and instead of beating myself up about the little things, I'm admiring the bigger picture. In my opinion (and of course this whole post really is just my experiences and opinions) my depression isn't something I've been cured of of has ever fully left me, but that's actually really ok with me. It reminds me that for me, I have to take the time to find those things that I love,  it inspires me to treat myself better and that working on yourself is the best job you can do because anything to stay out of the bottom of that hole again is worth it.

Like I said at the beginning, if this were to help just one person keep going, keep listening to that little fighting voice that tells you to keep trying, then it'll be totally worth it. If anyone wants to chat about anything you've read do drop me a message on any social networking thingy or email me at sophielovesbatman@gmail.com. (That's my subscriptions/blogging email by the way, I do have an actual adult email address too!)

Love Sophie Xx

Simple Things...

Fresh flowers
Pretty fruit displays
Hazy sunshine hours
Walks in the woods
Smiling spaniels
Crisp yet sunny mornings
Reading at lunchtime by the sea
Surprises from friends
Feeling positive
Morning song
Sunflowers growing
Soul cleansing
Mindfullness

Love Sophie Xx

The 'Me Time' Tag.

There's a pretty damn fancy lady over on a certain blog by the name of Danielle, if you're looking for some animal loving, alternative lifestyle, tattoo inspiration or just a generally awesome friend, be sure to check her out at Underland To Wonderland (she also has a snazzy new header!). Tagged by this delicious woman (in a half creepy/half non creepy way) to complete the 'Me Time' tag gives me a nice chance to not only share with you some personal development changes that I'm making but also gives me a chance to force you all into completing the same thing so I can have a good ol nose at your secret lives...


1) What do you watch/ read during 'me time'?

I go through fazes for months of wither reading at a supersonic speed OR reading nothing at all. I flit between just reading the bare minimum on news websites etc to going through 500 page+ novels in a matter of hours. 'A sporadic reader' Harps calls me and it really frustrates him because all of a sudden there'll be ten new books in the house and I'll be zooming through them. On that note, after a good twelve months of not using it, I'm back to updating on Goodreads! Have a little gander at what I'm waiting to read here and let's be reading friends! I have all the guilty pleasures to watch in the world; Catfish, Jeremy Kyle, Millionaire Matchmaker, River Cottage, Come dine with me...the list goes one really. I don't watch any soaps though if that helps?

2) What do you wear during 'me time'?

Errmm...I don't think I can really answer that because it depends what I'm doing. Sometimes it's the obvious pyjamas and dressing gown (not housecoat Leona!) for reading and the mentioned above, binge watching. Sometimes for 'me time' there's nothing nicer then getting dressed up super duper pretty and flouncing around like a princess.

3) What are your 'me time' beauty products?

There's no such thing? I'm not really a beauty kinda gal? I like to pop on a bit of lipstick sometimes when I'm being grown up and fancy? And I still love a bath with lush filled goodies? Does dying my hair count?

4) Current favourite nail polish?

Once again, I don't really have a favourite at the moment? I bit my nails up until literally last year and can only just manage to paint one hand, the other looking like some abstract art piece! So I don't really paint them at all! I've never got my nails done at a fancy nail place though, something I'd quite like to do this year. Out of brands of nail varnish, I really like Soigné, it stays on so well and the colour is always amazing!

5) What do you eat/drink during 'me time'?

I'm becoming a bit of a foodie. I think it must be my age slowly creeping up on me. For years, living with a fussy eater (Harps) meant that I got into a food rut because if I was going to go anywhere to eat, it'd probably be with him. Since last year I've started leaving him behind and catch up days with friends have become less about a cheap pub and more about trying delicious new places to eat. I absolutely LOVE it, it's probably one of my favourite 'me time' things to do and I'm lucky that my friends are also at the age of trying fancy new foods! 

6) Current favourite candle?

Oooh I have a couple, there's a shop near where I work that has Yankee candles for sale pretty cheap so I had a bit of a stock up on their 'fluffy towels' scent. It's heavenly and makes every room smell fresh and snuggly and perfect. For my birthday I was also gifted a Chelsea tea fruits candle that's lasting forever and smells like spring is coming which fills me with joy of course.

7) How do you spend outdoor 'me time'?

Cornwall is just the best for outdoor time and you'll usually find me by a beach or in some woods or flouncing in a field somewhere. That reminds me, this year I'd really like to arrange a blogging picnic! Would anyone be keen for this?

8) Would you go and see a movie alone?

Yeah sure, I've been to the cinema alone before and it's really rather nice! Nobody except the staff know that all that cinema food is just for you, you can sit where you want and no interruptions! Thinking about it, I don't see why I ever go with people!?

9) Favourite online shop?

Ohh hard one! It's probably Etsy but I've got a massive obsession with browsing holiday websites (secretly honeymoon planning commencing!)

10) Anything else to add? Any other thoughts/ plans for 'me time'?

Nope.

I tag some lovely ladies...Leona, Michelle, Sunae, Sam and Louisa...time to get nosey ladies!

Love Sophie Xx

Thankful Thursday.

Good Thursday happy people! I say happy people under the assumption that you're covered in glorious, never ending, cloudless sunshine like I am this evening. If you're not...sozages...

So I'm midway through the 'back to work week'...and it's not too bad..just kidding, it's fucking horrific. Oh my god, how long do mornings last?! For the last two weeks, it's been an achievement if I've finished watching Jezza, got a pastry down my gob and finished my second cup of tea by midday! It's made me realise just how much of a sleepy person I am. Seriously, sleep is just amazing isn't it? I chuffing love sleep.

I was trying to show off my ampersand tattoo in this photo, may have just realised that the photo needs to be flipped. Meh, I'm not going to change it, I'm just letting you know I've noticed.  P.s. Look how long my hair's getting! 

A spot of thankfulness...

1) Planting Success.- As you saw sometime last week, I've become rather green fingered. I find gardening really relaxing and I'm becoming super interested in plants. Since planting my bee seeds (see here)  and my super duper aloe vera houseplant I've become obsessed with monitoring the growth. I'm becoming a right little scientist...or horticulturalist...or gardener....Anyway, thanks little plants for not dying on my just yet! I'll nurse you to life!

2)  Science.- I don't mean GCSE science in any way at all. Let's just make that clear. I didn't really grasp, well any of it when I learnt it. Too busy getting high with my friends than revising I expect. Anyway, I watched a very interesting physics documentary the other day and at some point, it stuck with me when they explained that the reason we find it so hard to grasp science at school is because everything we're taught is the 'victorian science.' I.e. The basics. So much of what we know has changed since all that gubbins, that all that is obsolete really as soon as we've learnt it. Knowing this has perked up my little ears that maybe it's not too late to be an astronaut or a surgeon or a chemist? Cheers science for making yourself appealing to me again.

3)  Mindfulness- I've been practicing the art of mindfulness since I started my time off. I feel more relaxed, more focused and more in control of my thoughts.

4) The smell of sunshine.- I LOVE SUN. Even finishing work today, coming home, grabbing my book and running to the garden. All the stresses and bother just vanishes (helped by mindfulness) and all that's left is a pretty freckly Sophie.

5) Banana Loaf- Because it's delicious.

As always, a massive thanks to the bombastic (whatever happened to Shaggy?) Liona and Lisette for inspiring me to be more thankful.

Love Sophie Xx