The Loneliest Days...

We're here. Somehow another year has passed and though there have been times, days, snippets of time where you've haunted my dreams; nothing quite like these past few nights. How can it be that I can walk upstairs and forget just what I came for, yet four years ago is embedded, itching at my heart as angry as it was all that time ago? 

There have been times in the last week that it's crept. Fathers day brought familiar tears, memories, anger and jealousy. Talking with friends about the song I'll walk down the aisle to was discussed with a pang of guilt, sadness. It'll never be how it should have. The last week, the glass has been less than half empty, there's been a dribble at best.

This morning a man at the train station was smoking a cigar; as the cloud filled the morning air, all I could do is watch the gust lift it to the skies and wish it could carry me on up there with it. To you. At lunch time, a stranger probably not too much younger than you were- late seventies at best, smiled at me and it felt like your smile was radiating through his eyes, reminding me you're still with me. On the train home again, I played every conceivable game with myself to think of anything but you "This year will be different, I'll be stronger." And on arriving home, to the bouquet of beautiful red roses on my doorstep, left there in the evening sunshine by your darling daughter, my darling mother; to comfort me and what tomorrow brings. I finally have broken again.

It isn't so much that I wish you back anymore, I know it isn't what you'd have wanted. It's just the chance to say goodbye. It's the regret that haunts me for not coming to your side, for taking the last days we had together for granted and for the selfishness that I've felt for all this time, yearning you back again.

For now, I'm left with a loneliness in my heart that can't be filled by anyone or anything. Tomorrow it will come strong but I now can trust that it will begin to fade soon after. Somehow that feels even more disloyal. I no longer question whether I make you proud. I step outside every single day with that same intention, I know I'm doing ok.  That's the first time I've said that to myself, "I'm doing ok." And maybe I won't be quite there tomorrow, and maybe not even the day straight after, but I still feel you with me, I feel you as my shadow and I know you're right there keeping the 'John Holmes' in me, even when I feel all alone.

Love Your Sophie Xx

Two Weeks Of Happiness In Photos.

Let's start by just making this clear. I want to be on holiday forever. I need to invent something incredible that the world buys in bulk for the next 50+ years and I can spend my days frolicking around Cornwall as I'm meant to. Any ideas? The last two weeks have been some of the best this year. Thankfully it hasn't felt like one of those really fast holidays and I've really rejuvenated during the time; ready to crack on for the next couple of months until my next little snippet of joy. 

Funnily, the only time I really did try and do some work during my holiday I managed to lock myself out of my email, phone and calendar. Sometimes life just spells it out for you doesn't it? So, what have I been up to? I know all you nosey badgers love to find out! 

We've been pretty lucky with the weather, for the first week Harps was also on holiday and we spent a lot of time catching up with friends and family, burning reading in the garden, Batman adventuring, pilates on the grass and evening walks just for the hell of it. It's nice when you haven't got to worry about what time you need to wake up or getting the shopping for the week to save time; the freedom of breaking routine is the happiest isn't it?

During the first week we also got a lot of wedding plans sorted; even more excitingly, passing the one year mark until the actual day- there'll be more about this later this week so keep an eye out! I caught up with some friends for the less sunny days, scoffing as much cake and hot chocolate that my body could physically handle before passing said 'one year mark' and venturing into my 'health regime'. (Gonna be honest, week number two did NOT help with that *read didn't stop scoffing cake.*) It was all nicely rounded off with family BBQs and Newquay's Electric Beach Festival where we fought the rain to see Backbeat Soundsystem, Dreadzone & The Cat Empire (awesome bands if you've never heard them!) 

The second week I was flying solo, Harps returned to work and I visited my first ever bridal shop! It was a massive disappointment to be honest and despite trying on three dresses- I wasn't sold on any which resulted in mother and I in M&S cafe people watching and gossiping. More little wedding details came together, exaggerating all of my thoughts with Stacie as we spent the loveliest day at the beach. I also popped over to Plymouth to see Liona & Leopard, after a rather one-sided game of ping-pong, we sat admiring the view and catching up before having the tastiest lunch at Wagamamas where they proceeded to mock my spoon fears and we compared Game of Thrones conspiracy theories.When Harps did have a day off we took a trip for the most delicious and fancy cream tea at Carlyon Bay Hotel, overlooking the shoreline in weather that could have easily have been somewhere much more Mediterranean. I may or may not have got a little confused on the walk back and 45 minutes later walked in a complete circle in the blistering heat, bellies full- Harps wasn't best pleased when we looked ahead and saw the hotel sign again...

So that's it. Two glorious weeks all wrapped up into one. You can see just above how 'great' Leona's shot is... I miss this holiday already. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to iron clothes, set my alarm for an early morning and generally get back into routine. 

Love Sophie Xx

Batman Diaries #9 A Very Important Day.

Batman has had a life changing day. He's finally been outside in the garden! It's no secret that our little bun is actually a massive pain in the arse- stubborn as hell and no way was he ever going to let us get him in a little harness (and finding one small enough proved to be impossible!) He's more than happy to get into his little pet carrier though and we know how much he loves lounging in the sun through the window. 

Finally we've found a little pen for him that was a) Affordable- most of the runs or pens we'd found had been really overpriced this scraped in at just under £30! b) Very safe- Of course any sort of harm coming to my bun was number one priority but this pen comes with a half netted/ half shaded cover for sneaky birds and cats from above, pegs into the ground so that little Batman can't squirm his way out into harm and is really the perfect height and diameter for him to have a nice run around without being vulnerable. c) Super easy use- It literally took us less than five minutes to put it up and take it down after Batman was finished frolicking- remember not to keep little buns out in the sun for too long! Especially if they're a bit weird like Batman and don't like to go in the shade much.

After a while of trying to convince Batman to use the door of his new pen, we ended up putting his whole carrier in the pen so he still had a familiar place to run back into and could come out in his own time. He was pretty unsure for a while...

New found freedom! Eventually he emerged, stretching and sniffing, sneaking and stalking little bugs and blades of grass. 

Settling down for a snack and some sunshine. 

Do any of you have any tips for keeping small pets safe outside? Whether it be cooling down tips or fun ideas for buns in the sun? This summer is going to be much more exciting for our little Batman. He really did love his first time outside!

Love Sophie & Batman Xx

Miss/Mrs/Ms...

Last week it passed the 'one year until we get married' mark....That's a mark isn't it? Everyone knows how super fast a year goes once you get past the ages where you have trillions of holidays throughout the year and life seems to run away from you sometimes. So here we are- less than a year left and though lots has been sorted, now that the main parts have been organised it's time to start getting excited about the little details. I've spent days in the sunshine browsing for fabrics to make napkins (on this note, can anyone recommend a great *read cheap* fabric website?) Hours have gone by looking at types of invitation, paper type, font, designs and wording may seem stressful to most but it's bringing together little ideas that I really love about planning our big day! 

I've been thinking a lot about what our wedding day really means to me. Harps and I are pretty awesome as we are and after marriage I hope that not much really changes. My respect, love and heart grows for him every day as it is, I hope that continues. I hope we continue to belly laugh for the next sixty+ years together and when people have asked me 'what do you want from your wedding day?' It really is simple. I want a day that brings all our little groups of loved ones to one place altogether to relax, I want the day to be about all of those brilliant memories we have made already and all the ones we're sure to make in the future. I want Harps to feel just how important he is to me and how thankful I am to have him in his life. And I want him to feel the pride I have when I take his name, leaving my rather undesired maiden name behind.

It's becoming more and more frequent for ladies or gents to keep their own surname when they get married, others who insist on being Ms instead of Mrs- all of which I totally understand. I mean, you've had the same name for X amount of years and it forms your identity but I'm in a rather different situation...

On my wedding day there won't be one other person that holds my maiden name present. My mum has remarried, my 'father's family' and I aren't in contact. To finally hold the same surname as the person I call 'my family' brings me a sense of identity and release from my maiden name and the past. It's honestly the most exciting part of getting married for me.

To continue completely the same, just getting more awesome together. That'd be pretty pretty pretty good.

Love Sophie Xx

Summer in Cornwall.

There's a salty taste to the air and the sunshine warms my skin like a little cuddle from the sky. Yes people, Cornwall has officially stepped into summer. Longer days have meant my time off work has been full of so many wonderful things that I've totally left you all behind. A slightly cloudier day brings me inside from trying to even out my mysterious geometric tan lines, to report back the glory that is Cornwall at it's best. How many of you would guess this was the UK? All photos from this glorious day out are of Charlestown (see more about here and here) with my gal Stacie.

After lunching and drinking on the patio of a sea-side pub we ventured down to the shoreline, hunting for fancy shells, magical rocks and softened glass- shouting to one-another once in a while "Oooh I found a nice rock!" The fellow beach users were thrilled we'd arrived I'm sure. Finding our own little sandy spot convinced us that despite not being really very well dressed for a paddle, that we wanted to channel our inner mermaid. We waded until our clothes were soaked and our shoes were sodden and settled on the sand to build castles and dry off. More sand-mound-esque monuments were built and pockets full of underwater treasures we waddled back up the hill, stopping (of course) for our favourite ice-creams. 

Perfect summer days.

Love Sophie Xx

In The Middle of The Night...

When all was quiet in the house. I awoke to the sound of Harps muttering in his sleep. All of a sudden the silence was broken by the loudest fart and "Pow Pow take that m'fuckers."

I belly laughed for a good twenty minutes. He didn't even stir.

Thanks Harps.

Good morning everyone.

Love Sophie Xx

Batman Diaries #8 Batman's Ready For Summer.

Let's all cheer for Batman's malt being over! Seriously he's in such a grump over the few weeks in spring that he sheds his winter coat. He's back to looking slick and quite frankly- handsome. Sunny weather brings out the best in Batman, who loves nothing more than a day of frolicking around the house, a few blueberries for good measure and afternoon sun on our bed gives him the perfect place for a little snooze and some play. 

I'm finding that slowly he's becoming more affectionate. Batman's never liked being picked up- only a handful of times has he 'let' anyone hold him. He used to hate even being stroked for too long, preferring to run in circles as fast as he can. Now though, coming out of his rabbit 'teens' there are days where he prefers to snuggle, give kisses and be fussed over. He's gained a trust that means even when he's playing, he rarely uses his claws. 

Despite him completely dominating our house and having complete control of both of us, summer really does make him happier and this year we've bought him an outside pen to play in, we've got a whole new adventure to plan for.

Love Sophie and Batman Xx

Green Fingers.

Am I getting old? I feel like I'm gaining such an appreciation for my garden and growing things that I'm sure I'm going to need tenna-lady soon? It's great though isn't it? Getting muddy under the nails, coming outside each morning and "ooh-ing" over what's sprouted over night *note to self, start naming your plants*...I literally have no idea what's growing in my garden. All packets of seeds were bought based on the pretty picture on the front, all of which got stuck into compost like a five year old growing cress...yet I've discovered something- That's literally what gardening is! The whole stick a seed in some mud, put it in the sun and water it (barely though- thanks Cornish weather!) ACTUALLY WORKS. That's all there is to it...(could I offend any more actual gardeners with this post?)

Batman is happy that there's some green stuff to eat, the forget me nots that Leona gave me a while back are taking over all other plants- those bad boys want to rule to roost (see what I mean, I genuinely think my plants have attitude??) My freckles have enjoyed making appearances and my hair just looks too snazzy in the wind not to take selfies. I'm not sure Harps is that keen every time I come home with new plant pots or more half-dead looking weeds from the bargain section in Lidl. I'm becoming proud of my garden- minus the day where my next door neighbour 'casually' left some 'Gardeners World' magazines on our joining fence. 

Any planting or growing tips? My main problems seem to have been..

1) Small children from next door pulling out my baby fir-tree which now sits rather miserably hanging to one side...

2) FUCKING CATS POOING IN MY GARDEN! 

3) The snails/slugs/ whatever arseholes that destroyed my sunflowers...How do I make them pay?

Oh and just to add to the garden excitement, last weekend we invested in an outdoor pen for Batman. Seeing as he won't let us put a harness on him, we still want him to enjoy the summer with us and we grabbed the perfect bargain when we saw it. Stay tuned for Batman's first adventure outdoors very soon!

Love Sophie Xx

In May I Stalked...

Happy June everyone! It's my favourite month of the year; summer starts to make an appearance, Cornwall comes to life and I always have a two week holiday! PLUS it's the month I'm getting married in (next year!) which means IT'S ALMOST A YEAR UNTIL I GET MARRIED GUYS! *I mean we get married of course...ahem* Anyway, as always when I take a blog-holiday it doesn't mean that I don't stalk you all like a dawg. (That's right, a dawg- so sue me.)

• Whisky and Pancakes posted quite possibly the most jam-packed post about a new move, a new job and an exciting trip! It made me smile just to read, it was so bursting with excitement and news!
• Not only did I stalk Rosie throughout her wedding AND honeymoon. I've continued stalking her all the way home again (I'm excited to see lots of Bali photos soon!) Anyway, over on A Rosie Outlook, she's been getting back to normality which includes lots of fitness and healthy living. Perfect inspiration timing as I'm about to start my wedding fitness plan! 
• Over on Underland To Wonderland there was a great, nostalgic DIY post about making zig-zag friendship bracelets! I could never make them but Danielle makes me want to try, or at least have loads made for me to wear like a cool kid. 
• I really missed following what Samsam Cherie was up to during her little blog break- it's great to see her back and in fine fettle. She also looks amazing at a recent wedding- I stalked her Facebook all day! *double stalking points here for moi.*
• Welcome to the world little Emily Victoria! Over at The Dusty Attic, you can coo over the prettiest little girl and send a massive congratulations to Anna! 
• Lisette Loves gets more and more babelicious every time she posts (which is more regularly recently hurrah!) and you should read everything she's posted in May and forever in my opinion..but look how magnificent this rape seed field was and how glamorous Lisette looks standing all casual-like in it!
• I'm so proud of Sunae for so many reasons, but most recently she's unveiled over at Little Foal, a wedding decor hire business she's starting. I'm totally wondering how much of it i can convince her to bring across the other side of the world later this year for me (and probably Leona) to hire!?
• If you're looking for a lady with a plan, head over and catch up with Love In Modern Life. Chelsea has just finished university! How exciting is that!? What's even more exciting is I'm sure she'll be reading more again (see said plan) and I can always find something to read thanks to Chelsea. 
• You should catch up with Michelle whilst you're on the catch-up train. I obviously stalk everything Michelle writes because it's so belly achingly hilarious (and she's damn fine) but if you're looking for a round up on Life Outside London -she's been doing just that this week.
• Has anybody else fallen in love with Mark sharing his artwork? I certainly have. That Gent Mark is such a great blog to always have tor read because it's so varied and Mark is a hoot! But seriously, look at this Galaxy collection. It's beautiful. If I wasn't saving for a wedding I'd be hiring Mark's talents immediately (that sounds a bit rude doesn't it?)
• Inspiring my Kimmy Schmidt addiction, Oh! Leona has shared a great book tag. I love buying books for Leona but more importantly, I love receiving them. There's a book that she got me for Christmas (or maybe my birthday) that has become one of my favourite books ever...She knows her stuff.

There are loads more...actually loads. I normally save the posts I'm stalking on Bloglovin- I'm one of those silent stalkers when I'm in a funk, always saving and never commenting. That's one of the blogging no-no's isn't it? It'll be fine. Anyway, if you want to see the many more posts I've been saving/stalking head on over there! 

Love Sophie Xx